Badtux the Snarky Penguin

In a time of chimpanzees, I was a penguin.

Religious fundamentalists are motivated by the sneaking suspicion that someone, somewhere, is having fun -- and that this must be stopped.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Bless me Father for I have sinned

I was walking down the bread aisle at the local Safeway and there were these huge DOUBLE-CHOCOLATE muffins. CHOCOLATE. Muffins. I bought them. I gave into temptation and bought them. Then a few feet down the aisle was this yummy looking jalapeno cheese focaccia bread. I bought that too.

I sinned. I gave in to temptation. That means I'm going to Hell, right?

What do you mean, it only means I'm going to get fat? But... but... what? Give you ten pushups and get the fuck out of your confession booth and go get some exercise? Err... what kind of priest are you, to tell me that I gotta do something practical instead of just pray to Jesus or Mary or Saint Yummylicious? I don't want to exercise! I just wanna pray to Saint Yummylicious for forgiveness!

Waddya mean, Saint Yummylicious don't give a shit about my double-chocolate muffins and if I don't want to keel over from a heart attack I gotta quit eating this shit and go get some exercise? What, did the Rude Pundit sneak into the confessional?

Wadya mean, quit looking to other people to solve my problems? But... but... you're supposed to be the voice of God! What? You mean God wants me to solve my own damned problems instead of expecting Him to wave his magic wand and make me un-fat and shit? Well fuck you, priest. I'm going to go to one of those religions that tell me that all I godda do is bend the knee and pray to Jesus and give all my money to some guy with greased-back hair and fat jowls and I'll be Saved and go to Jesus and don't need to solve my own problems because Jesus will solve them all for me. Screw you and your stupid message that God wants us to take care of our own shit. I'm gonna become an evangelical Christian, bend the knee, accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, and have all my sins washed away in the Blood of the Lamb, and then Jesus will take all my problems away, Glory Hallaleujah, AMEN!

What's that you said? "Good riddance"? Well screw you too...

-- Badtux the Religion Penguin

Labels: religion

Posted by: BadTux / 5/24/2007 10:44:00 PM

Comments:

Us Catholics can leave all our money for masses to make sure that when we die we go straight up to heaven. The more you leave assures you the best place up there. The Catholic religion is the best, the priest in the family told me.

BTW when you eat too much you go to hog hell, I should know, I've been there a few times and it wasn't so bad after all.
# posted by Nancy : 25/5/07 3:14 AM

Mmmmm....Chocolate....fuck. Now I have hunger.
# posted by angry ballerina : 25/5/07 8:16 AM

Sad to say, Nancy, there are unscrupulous types in any religion. But when was the last time you heard of a Catholic priest dying rich? Doesn't happen. (Okay, maybe when Father Andrew Greeley kicks this mortal coil, but he made his millions selling fiction labeled as fiction, not selling snake oil like the late Rev. Jerry Falwell).

Of course, if I had a boy-child, I probably would be a little less sanguine about Catholic priests :-).

Anyhow, the little nugget you share isn't part of the Catholic faith (you won't find it in the official catechism anywhere), but the occasional priest, brother, or nun has given in to the temptation to use it from time to time when a wing of the elementary school is just about to fall down and the treasury is empty...

- Badtux the Religion Penguin
# posted by BadTux : 25/5/07 8:18 AM

Eat to live, not live to eat. It's always worked for me.

Why would a Catholic priest want to die rich? Why would anyone want to?

Life on this planet isn't about money and what you have.

And those Catholic's are just plain brainwashed.
# posted by BBC : 26/5/07 8:06 PM

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"Keep fighting for freedom and justice, beloveds, but don't forget to have fun doin' it. Lord, let your laughter ring forth. Be outrageous, ridicule the fraidy-cats, rejoice in all the oddities that freedom can produce." -- Molly Ivins, 1944-2007

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